My last column?

Published 12:00 am Saturday, April 2, 2005

Women – can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

You guys well know the meaning of the above sentence.

For years – no, make that for centuries – the male species, although created prior to God’s decision that it wasn’t fair to leave man all by himself on Earth, has struggled to appease the fairer sex. As a side note to that, we men would have been just fine without women as long as we had the three &uot;P’s&uot; – Pabst, Pizza and Pigskin.

But, alas, there was woman and our lives haven’t been the same since.

In order to make our lives a bit more bearable, I’ll pass along some things along that all men need to know.

Listed below are words that all men should fully comprehend in order to guarantee their survival:


&uot;Fine&uot; – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

&uot;Five Minutes&uot; – If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

&uot;Nothing&uot; – This is the calm before the storm. This means &uot;something&uot; and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with &uot;nothing&uot; usually end in &uot;fine.&uot;

&uot;Go Ahead&uot; – This is a dare, not permission, DON’T DO IT!

&uot;Loud Sigh&uot; – Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A &uot;Loud Sigh&uot; means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing around and arguing with you over &uot;Nothing.&uot;

&uot;That’s Okay&uot; – This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. &uot;That’s Okay&uot; means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

&uot;Thanks&uot; – This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it; just say you’re welcome and then back out of the room very slowly.

&uot;Yes, No and Maybe&uot; – Always remember the three greatest words in the female vocabulary – yes means no; no means no; and maybe means no.

&uot;I’m Sorry&uot; – Don’t be flattered by this statement from a woman. What it really means is that you’ll be sorry.

&uot;We Need&uot; – Again, this is simple physiology played by a woman on her man. What she really means is &uot;I want.&uot;

&uot;It’s your decision&uot; – If you have been paying very close attention to this column, the correct decision should be obvious by now.

&uot;We need to talk&uot; – Please, do not interpret this as a way that a woman is reaching out to the man in her life in an attempt to solidify a two-way relationship. &uot;We need to talk&uot; simply means,

&uot;I need to complain.&uot;

&uot;I’m not upset&uot; – Of course she’s upset, you moron!

&uot;You’re so…manly&uot; – A woman’s way to say you are in dire need of a shave and a shower.

&uot;This kitchen is so inconvenient&uot; – Don’t run out and hire a handyman to redo the kitchen. This is a plea for a new house.

&uot;Hang the picture there&uot; – Don’t fall for this one. She never wants it in the direction or location she is pointing.

&uot;Do you love me?&uot; – When you hear this one, go ahead and break out your wallet because she is on the verge of asking for something expensive.

&uot;How much do you love me?&uot; – Be prepared because she is about to tell you something you’re really not going to like.

&uot;You have to learn to communicate&uot; – This means just agree with her and get it over with.

&uot;Are you listening to me?&uot; – If you hear those dreaded words, it’s too late, you’re already dead.

While we all know women love to talk, here are a few things we men know they’ll never say:

&uot;You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me.&uot;

&uot;That girl is wearing the same outfit I am! Cool! I’m gonna go over and talk to her.&uot;

&uot;I’m so happy with my new hairstyle, I don’t think I’ll ever change it again.&uot;

&uot;Let’s just leave the toilet seat up all the time – then you won’t have to mess with it anymore.&uot;

&uot;While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal, they’ll still cover the spread.

&uot;Oh no…please….not the mall again. Why don’t we go over to Bass Pro Shop instead?&uot;

I’ll see ya’ll next week in this same space, that is if I’m still alive after my wife reads this.