What the future holds

Published 12:00 am Saturday, March 12, 2005

As I peer into my crystal ball, I can see the year 2029.

What do you think the world will be like 24 years from now? Who, or what, will be making the headlines?

For answers, we need to turn no further than the man we all can trust….me, now that Dan Rather has retired.

Here’s what I see as the top news stories in 2029:

Little League Baseball Commissioner Sammy Sosa bans performance-enhancing drugs – Kool-Aid and Twinkies.

Bonner’s Bridge Road re-opens. DOT says they are not to blame.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.

The season’s top-rated game show is &uot;Who Wants to Sue a Billionaire&uot; – hosted by Don King.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally….scientists stumped.

Scientists remained stumped as intelligent life is found in Chapel Hill.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

NC 561 is paved between St. Johns and Rich Square. DOT says they are not to blame.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off. Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Speaking from a cave, Osama bin laden says, &uot;Death to America.&uot; (Some things never change.)

Paris Hilton purchases the famous Mustang Ranch in Nevada. She clones herself 100 times and posts a No Waiting sign.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z.

Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Viagra replaces steroids as the drug of choice in Major League Baseball, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase – &uot;Batter-up.&uot;

The Postal Service raises price of a first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Eighty-five-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 pounds.

The Michael Jackson child molestation trial ends. By the time it is over, Jackson had transformed himself back into a black male.

The National Hockey League lockout ends.

Japanese scientists create a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Hertford County Manager Charles Jones retires.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

John Edwards formally ends his political career following a seventh unsuccessful bid for the White House.

Average height of NBA players is now 9 feet, 7 inches.

The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl….again.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

McDonald’s opens its first franchise on the Moon.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions into campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with a congressman.

NC State’s men’s basketball program, still under the direction of Herb Sendek, ends its long drought by winning an ACC tournament title. The Wolfpack defeats the University of Rhode Island in the finals.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

At age 75, veteran News-Herald Editor Cal Bryant writes his final column.