No thongs for me

Published 12:00 am Monday, December 29, 2003

In less than 48 hours, 2003 will become history as we all celebrate the arrival of a new year.

As is customary, the majority of us will scribble down a few resolutions that we will vow to keep during the coming year. Again, following tradition, most all those wishes will be broken before the Super Bowl.

It’s for that reason that I’ve never been one to make New Year’s resolutions. Why make promises that you can’t keep? Rather, I’ve devised an ingenious list of resolutions that are unbreakable. They are as follows:

I will make each and every effort to figure out why I need four e-mail addresses.

On all the new gadgets and gizmos that my wife and I received for Christmas, I promise to read the instruction manuals on each…….that is just as soon as I can find them!

I resolve to work with neglected children – my own.

I vow not to watch a single second of Oprah.

With our educational system crumbling faster than a Hollywood marriage, I pledge my efforts to find a cure for stupidity. We desperately need to find a find a way to fix this before it becomes a problem too large to solve. Maybe we can herd all stupid people into a spacecraft and zip them to a planet that has no signs of intelligent life. There they will feel right at home.

I promise NOT to win the Mega Millions lottery. Either that or start buying my tickets at a luckier store.

I will take it upon myself to lead a national campaign to make it illegal for anyone over the age of 40 to own or wear a thong. Nothing says ugly more than a tiny piece of material disappearing between an aging pair of buttcheeks. Just the thought of that sight is more than enough to make a person lose their appetite, perhaps even the lunch they just consumed.

I vow to gain weight – at least 30 pounds this year. Half of that goal can be reached while grazing on all the high calorie snacks at a Super Bowl party.

I promise to not exercise. It’s a waste of time anyway.

I resolve to watch more television. Sometimes during 2004, I plan to pull the glass out of my TV screen and crawl right into the middle of a &uot;Baywatch&uot; episode.

In 2004, I vow to get myself further into debt.

As a part of my unbreakable resolutions, I pledge not to believe politicians and break at least one traffic law.

I promise to procrastinate more, starting tomorrow.

I will not jump off a cliff just because someone else did.

I will not spend my money on a 1983 Eldorado with tinted windows, white fur on the dash and large dice hanging from the rear view mirror.

I vow not to bring back disco.

I pledge not to discipline the dog when he plays tug-of-war with my underwear while I’m on the toilet.

I’m now very clear on the fact that my home does not have a doorbell. Therefore, I promise not to get up and head for my door when I hear a bell ringing on a TV show.

I will make an attempt to lobby the food industry to devise other snacks besides cheese that are available in whiz form.

To satisfy my hunger pains, I vow to bury a box of Eggos in my backyard and wait for a waffle tree to grow.

Six years ago, I came up with just three resolutions and have charted each since that time. Here’s a look at the status of those wishes:

Resolution #1

1998: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

1999: I will read at least 10 good books a year.

2000: I will read five good books a year.

2001: I will attempt to finish &uot;The Snake&uot; – Kenny Stabler’s autobiography.

2002: I will read a few articles in the newspaper, other than my own.

2003: I will attempt to read at least one of my own articles.

2004: I will try to finish the comics section.

Resolution #2

1998: I will get my weight down below 180.

1999: I will keep a close eye on my calorie intake in an effort to reduce my weight to 190.

2000: I will religiously follow my new diet plan until my weight slips below 200.

2001: I will attempt to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2002: I promise to work out five days per week.

2003: I promise to work out three days per week.

2004: I will make each and every effort to drive past a gym at least once per week.

Resolution #3

1998: I will not spend my money frivolously.

1999: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

2000: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

2001: I will begin mapping out strategies to be completely debt-free by 2002.

2002: I will be totally out of debt by 2003.

2003: I will attempt to pay off the interest on my debt by 2004.

2004: I will leave the country in order to escape my debt.

Here’s hoping that your New Year’s resolutions all come true. See ‘ya next year.