Stress breakers

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, December 24, 2003

About this same time every year, most of are about to scream as our to-do lists get longer and time gets shorter.

We all need a way to beat stress and recently a friend emailed me a list of ways to maintain your sanity. The list is so good, I want to pass it on to you.

Feel free to pick the suggestions that appeal most to your personal needs. Of course, the list comes with a disclaimer that says I accept no responsibility if anyone is carried away in a straightjacket, gets a black eye or is hauled away in an official vehicle with a blue light on top.

The first suggestion is that during your next lunch hour, sit in a parked car wearing sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. While walking back to your office, skip as much as possible.

At the office, page yourself over the intercom, but don’t change your voice. Then put a garbage can on your desk and label it &uot;in&uot;. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with it.

Put decaf in the office coffeemaker for three weeks and when all your co-workers get over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day on the CD player of your computer. Insist that all your co-workers address you by your wrestling name.

Finish all your sentences with &uot;in accordance with the prophecy&uot; and don’t use any punctuation for communications. Ask people which sex they are and then laugh hysterically after they answer.

Specify that your drive-thru order is &uot;to go&uot;. Sing along at the opera or go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme. In the memo section of your checks. write &uot;for very personal service&uot;.

Five days in advance, tell friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood. When money comes out of the ATM, start screaming &uot;I won, I won&uot;.

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot while yelling, &uot;Run for your lives, they’re loose.&uot; Tell your children over dinner, &uot;Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.&uot;

And the final way to keep a healthy level of sanity is to give or email this list to a friend. It’s called therapy and it won’t cost $75 per session.