Archived Story

Forward this or grow a hairy hump

Published 11:17am Tuesday, November 12, 2013

E-mails…they come to my computer by the hundreds each and every day.

The majority of that information is sent for the purpose of publication in the newspapers this company owns. I sort through that info, make any needed adjustments, fix the attached photos (if any) and add everything to a long list of items that need to be published.

On occasion I receive e-mails that are for my own education. They warn of things I may stumble across and, if properly notified of the gloom and doom that awaits, my life may be spared.

I want to use this week’s space to thank those e-mailers for passing along your life-saving advice. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel.

Never again will I ask for a slice of lemon with my tea for fear of bacteria.

Thanks to your warning I can’t use the TV remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. Ditto for sitting down on a hotel bedspread.

I now have trouble shaking hands with someone who just exited a vehicle because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

A special thank-you goes to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. I also have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

My bank account may be dwindling, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that different businesses promise to send me for participating in their special e-mail program.

One of my favorite fast food places to eat is now off my list because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

Even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day,  I’m unable to use deodorant because they cause cancer. Heck, just the other day, I was warned not to get a flu shot because it may also cause me to get cancer.

Thanks to many I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Due to your concern for my health, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

I now keep my toothbrush in the living room because, according to an e-mail, water can magically fly six feet from a toilet when it’s flushed.

I’m now returning the favor. If you do not send this column (by regular mail – don’t forget about the rat crap – or e-mail) to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. tomorrow and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician.

Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be contacted at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.

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