Too drunk to fishPublished 9:53am Wednesday, January 2, 2013
One of my favorite things about the Christmas and New Year holidays is enjoying time off from work.
Having three days in a row off, including a Monday, is the best gift of all. I found myself watching a lot of TV to pass the time (when, of course, my wife didn’t have me running errands). As is customary this time of the year, the tube is full of holiday-themed movies. The old standards are still there – It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol, White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, etc. Then there are the cookie cutter holiday movies that carry basically the same story line – attractive, but single, mom moves with her young children and dog to Small Town, America where she meets Mr. Right, who is a saint with a health problem, but they all live happily ever after….right after some guy dressed as Santa rushes them to the alter on Christmas Eve while it’s snowing outside.
During my recently completed three-day Christmas break (which included a Sunday away from work), I stumbled across one of my favorite shows to watch – the comedy ramblings of Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Ron White and Larry the Cable Guy (the Blue Collar Comedy Tour). No matter how many times I’ve seen their routines, I still double over in laughter.
Their brand of humor put me on a hunt to find a column a few years back that dealt with Foxworthy’s famous, “You know you’re a redneck when…..” Here goes:
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey y’all watch this.”
Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom had a daycare.
You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen start your engines.”
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.
You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.
You’ve been too drunk to fish.
See ya’ll next week, ‘ya hear!
Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org or 252-332-7207.