heels

Archived Story

Consciousness: annoying time between naps

Published 10:29am Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I’m not much on making New Year’s resolutions.

I mean, why bother? We break them just about as fast as we make them.

The arrival of a new year is less than a week away. As is customary, the majority of us will scribble down a few resolutions that we will vow to keep during the coming year. Again, following tradition, most all those wishes will be broken before the Super Bowl.

Instead of attempting to lose weight, which I know I will not, or trying to kick the nicotine habit (also one that I foresee not occurring in 2012), I’ve devised an ingenious list of resolutions that are unbreakable. They are as follows:

I promise not to listen to my wife when she’s telling me, while on a trip together, that I need to stop and ask directions.

It will be my quest during 2012 to listen to as much Marshall Tucker Band as I possibly can…..my wife and daughter added another CD to my collection this Christmas.

I pledge my efforts to find a cure for stupidity. We desperately need to find a find a way to fix this before it becomes a problem too large to solve. Maybe we can herd all stupid people into a spacecraft and zip them to a planet that has no signs of intelligent life. There they will feel right at home.

It’s my intentions in 2012 not to win any of the North Carolina State Lottery numbers games or the scratch-off cards. I also vow not to strike it rich on the Super Duper Lotto Numbers, or whatever that stupid game is called that I lose every week.

I will make each and every attempt to get deeper in debt during 2012.

I promise to not exercise. It’s a waste of time anyway.

I resolve to watch more television.

As a part of my unbreakable resolutions, I pledge not to believe any words that emerge from the mouths of politicians.

During 2012, I plan to break at least one traffic law.

I promise to procrastinate more, starting tomorrow.

I will not jump off a cliff just because someone else did.

I will not spend my money on a 1983 Eldorado with tinted windows, white fur on the dash and large dice hanging from the rear view mirror.

I vow not to bring back disco.

I will make an attempt to lobby the food industry to devise other snacks besides cheese that are available in whiz form.

To satisfy my hunger pains, I vow to bury a box of Eggos in my backyard and wait for a waffle tree to grow.

Now I will turn my attention to “The Best of 2011” – funny things I heard or read during the year. The following are my favorites:

There are now four levels of stench – scanky, real scanky, super scanky and Taliban.

Best use of a famous quote: “Frankly Scallop, I don’t give a clam!”

Best sign seen hanging on the door of a business: “Out of my mind, be right back!”

Best quotes of 2011 are as follows:

“I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.”

“I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”

“I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”

“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.”

“Rehab is for quitters.”

“Stupidity is not a handicap – Park elsewhere!”

“They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.”

“If there is no God, then who pops up the next Kleenex?”

“My wild oats have turned to Shredded Wheat.”

“Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“God must love stupid people, he made so many.”

“Wrinkled is not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.”

Here’s hoping 2012 is full of happiness to you and yours!

 

Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be contacted at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.

Editor's Picks