In yonder, over yonder or out yonder?

Published 7:53 am Tuesday, July 15, 2014

This week’s personal opinion offering is nothing more, nothing less, than random thoughts, with a submission from a good friend thrown in for good measure.

In the “Do You Have a Pulse” category, is there anyone on Planet Earth that did NOT hear that Lebron James has decided to return to the Cleveland Cavaliers?

This story received more ink than the royal wedding of Prince William of Wales to Catherine Elizabeth Middleton; or than another piece from Fox News, or concerning lies told by our sitting President.

On another note concerning a pro basketball player, did anyone hear this past weekend that former Bertie High School player and ODU standout Kent Bazemore is close to signing a two-year deal, worth $4 million, with the Atlanta Hawks?

Bazemore’s stock is definitely on the rise, especially after turning some heads with his play on the floor – and his popular antics on the bench (cheering on teammates) – during the 2013-14 season. Here’s hoping nothing but the best for one of our own!

And now this from my good friend, Brinson Paul of Murfreesboro. He emailed me the following:

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

5. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

Or you can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

5. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

Or you can retire to New York City where…

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is “nature.”

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

Or you can retire to North Dakota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have 17 recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

Or you can retire to the Deep South where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.

3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.

5. Everywhere is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.”

Or you can retire to the Nebraska where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at.

Or, finally, you may choose to retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be contacted at or 252-332-7207.

About Cal Bryant

Cal Bryant, a 40-year veteran of the newspaper industry, serves as the Editor at Roanoke-Chowan Publications, publishers of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald, Gates County Index, and Front Porch Living magazine.

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