Hopefully, everyone reading this column has already filled out their 2010 Census questionnaire and mailed the info back to the U.S. government.

It’s an important thing to do. Federal funds are based on population. By understanding our rural nature and small population, I know we do not qualify for big buckets of money from D.C., but every little bit helps. That’s why it’s so extremely important that each and every person is counted in a Census…we can use all the money we can get from the feds.

What we really need now is a Federal Census for Southerners. And, wouldn’t you know it, my good friend Bobby “Keys” Eure found one out there in cyberspace and e-mailed me a copy.

These are questions that would fit most any redneck below the Mason-Dixon Line:

Last name:

First name: (Check appropriate box)

( ) Billy-Bob

( ) Billy-Joe

( ) Billy-Ray

( ) Billy-Sue

( ) Billy-Mae

( ) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?

( ) Booger

( ) Bubba

( ) Skeeter

( ) Junior

( ) Sissy

(_) Other

Age: (if unsure, guess)

Sex:

( ) Male

( ) Female

( ) Not sure

Shoe Size: Left foot; Right foot

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)

( ) Farmer

( ) Mechanic

( ) Hair Dresser

( ) Unemployed

( ) Dirty Politician

( ) Preacher

Spouse’s Name:

2nd Spouse’s Name:

3rd Spouse’s Name:

Lover’s Name:

Number of children living in household:

Number of children living in shed:

Number that are yours:

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you ( ) own or ( ) rent your mobile home? (Check

appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own:

Number of vehicles that still crank:

Number of vehicles in front yard:

Number of vehicles in back yard:

Number of vehicles on cement blocks:

Number of firearms you own and where you keep them:

( ) truck

( ) bedroom

( ) bathroom

( ) kitchen

( ) shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?

( )Yes ( ) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

( ) The National Enquirer

( ) The Globe

( ) TV Guide

( ) Soap Opera Digest

( ) Rifle and Shotgun

( ) Pro Wrestling Illustrated

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:

Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis: Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:

How often do you bathe:

( ) Weekly

( ) Monthly

( ) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:

Left:

Right:

Color of hair:

( ) Blonde

( ) Black

( ) Red

( ) Brown

( ) White

( ) Clairol

( ) Hair, what hair?

Color of teeth:

( ) Yellow

( ) Brownish-Yellow

( ) Brown

( ) Black

( ) Teeth, what teeth?

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

( ) Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

( ) 1 mile

( ) 2 miles

( ) just a whoop-and-a-holler

Cal Bryant is Editor of the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald and Gates County Index. He can be reached at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.