If I ever have another child, his name will be Newspaper Column.

Or maybe Computer Mouse.

Or better yet, Sims Expansion Pack.

Yep, those all sound lovely, don’t they?

What a great way to give a child the best possible start in life – ensuring that they’ll be teased mercilessly on the playground.

Yay me!

And that way, I’ll fit right in with the latest trend of celebrities naming their children after something completely random, often from characteristics of themselves.

Just kidding.

Seriously, what kind of drugs are these people taking to think that naming children things like &uot;Moon Unit&uot; and &uot;Moxie Crimefighter&uot; is a good idea?

Because, really, you have to be on some sort of drug to think that’s an okay thing to do to a kid.

Sometimes it seems like the more money and fame people have, the worse their children’s names are, generally speaking.

(Note that I’m not making fun of the children, here, but rather their idiotic parents.)

While browsing the Internet on Wednesday in search of a column topic, I came across this list of celebrity baby names.

Some were cute, like Montrel Jordan’s daughter Sklyer, or Angelina Jolie’s children Maddox and Shiloh.

But others were just downright awful.

Frank Zappa, the father of Moon Unit, topped the cake by also naming two of his other children &uot;Dweezil&uot; and &uot;Diva Muffin.&uot;

(I kid you not.

Those really are their actual names.)

Aside from the torment those poor children will undoubtedly receive in school and later in life, I can’t even imagine how one would be able to discipline with a straight face.

Somehow, saying, &uot;Moon Unit, you come over here and sit down RIGHT NOW,&uot; just doesn’t sound very authoritarian.

Gee, I wonder why.

Bob Geldof and Paula Yates also rank high on the Parents Of the Year list (not).

Three of their kids are named &uot;Fifi Trixibell,&uot; &uot;Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa,&uot; (guess they couldn’t pick just one?) and &uot;Pixie.&uot;

I mean, come on; what were they thinking?

Who is going to take you seriously as an adult with a name like Fifi Trixibell?

Really?

Paula Yates struck again when she procreated with rock singer Michael Hutchence.

They named their daughter &uot;Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily.&uot;

She , of course, went by Tiger.

(Rawr.)

Jermaine Jackson (together with his brother’s ex-wife) had a son that they named Jermajesty.

I’m sure he probably thought it was clever to tie in his first name with that of a royal title, but I can’t imagine his son feeling the same.

Other weird ones:

* Audio Science – child of actress Shannyn Sossamon

* Blue Angel – child of U2’s The Edge and Aislinn O’Sullivan

* Camera – child of Arthur Ashe and photographer Jeanne Moutoussamy

* Fuchsia – child of Sting and Frances Tomelty

* God’Iss Love Stone – child of Lil’ Mo

* Hopper – child of Sean Penn and Robin Wright

* Pilot Inspektor – child of Jason Lee and Beth Risegraf

* Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo – children of Jamie and Jules Oliver

* Seven Sirius – child of Andre Benjamin and Erykah Badu

* Lark Song – child of Mia Farrow and Andre Previn

Hopefully, nobody read the preceding list and thought, &uot;Oooh, that sounds like a good name for my baby!&uot;

Because frankly, if you did, you have serious issues.

Don’t get me wrong, I think unusual and unique names are cute.

But when you start naming kids after inanimate objects, occupations, pet names and colors… that’s just not cool.

Obviously, someone else thought so too; otherwise I wouldn’t have stumbled across that list.

(And if you Google &uot;crazy celebrity baby names,&uot; I’m sure you would find even more.)

Bottom line: if you can’t picture shaking hands with a prospective employer and introducing yourself with a particular name, chances are your child won’t appreciate being so named, either.

A lot of parents dream of their child one day being the President of the United States.

Personally, I wouldn’t be inclined to vote for a &uot;Pilot Inspektor&uot; if I saw that name on a ballot; what about you?

Jennipher Dickens is a Staff Writer for the Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald.

She can be reached by calling (252) 332-7208 or by emailing jennipher.dickens@r-cnews.com.