I’ve been labeled a closet Republican. With all that’s going on inside the ranks of the Grand Old Party, I’m seriously considering returning to my Democrat roots.

Oooooh, I tremble in my boots when I think about realigning myself with the likes of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, future President Hillary Clinton and, worse, North Carolina Governor Mike Easley.

Please, don’t even think for a single, solitary moment that I’m a liberal. Is there such a thing as a conservative Democrat? If so, sign me up.

But getting back to my closet Republican image, if I choose to continue to mask my Democrat upbringing, I’m seriously considering moving deeper into the dark confines of the closet thanks to the totally embarrassing antics of our nation’s GOP leaders.

I’m not going to dwell very long on President Bush for the simple reason we do not have enough newsprint or ink in stock for me to list all his shortfalls, or as I like to call ‘em n Dubya’s Dummies. You can certainly tell that our Commander-in-Chief is from Texas, he’s certainly full of bull and I’m not referring to the Longhorns. No one has been that dumb since Texas attorney Harry Whittington uttered those now infamous words, “Sure, Mr. Vice-President, it would be my honor to go quail hunting with you.”

And speaking of dumb moves, what’s the deal with Larry Craig. The Idaho Senator swears he’s not gay, but yet admitted guilt in the alleged sexual solicitation of a man in an adjoining stall inside the Minneapolis airport.

If he wasn’t guilty, then why did he enter that plea?

If he isn’t gay, then why didn’t he attempt sexual solicitation inside the women’s bathroom?

If he didn’t get his hand caught in the proverbial cookie jar, then why on earth is he considering resigning?

Craig, who has served three terms in the United States Senate and 10 years before that as a Congressman, was arrested June 11. It turns out that the man he allegedly attempted to solicit was a plainclothes police officer in the bathroom stall next to Craig.

That officer said Craig used foot and hand gestures to signal an interest in a sexual encounter in the airport’s men’s room, a place allegedly known for homosexual activity.

The 62-year-old Senator, who championed himself as a defender of family values and has been extremely vocal about his opposition for gay marriage and gay rights, denied that, but yet pled guilty.

Later, Craig said he hastily entered the guilty plea without first consulting with his attorney. Craig said he kept the incident under wraps n not telling his aides, family or friends n in an effort to “make it go away.”

After the incident became public, Craig went on national TV late last week and denied he was gay. It wasn’t the first time Senator Craig has defended his sexual preference. There have been rumors about his sexuality since the 1980s.

“I am not gay. I never have been gay,” Craig said at last week’s news conference.

And it isn’t the first time a Republican member of Congress has been embroiled in alleged homosexual activity. Last fall, Representative Mark Foley of Florida quit after admitting to sexually explicit Internet communications with male pages who had worked on Capitol Hill.

If Craig is gay, then that’s not as big of a deal as it used to be, that is if he was nothing more than a private citizen. However, we heterosexual Americans just don’t like our elected leaders to be a switch-hitter. If you are, just be man (or woman) enough to admit it.

Now this deal has transgressed to the point where Craig is expected to resign. He had scheduled a news conference on Saturday where that resignation was expected (I’m writing this on Friday, Aug. 30, due to our earlier than normal deadlines due to the Labor Day holiday).

Again, I must say that if you aren’t gay and the plainclothes officer must have mistaken your hand/foot gestures for a bad case of diarrhea, then why the heck are you resigning? If Craig goes through with this, then he’s admitting guilt. No matter his political achievements over the past 27 years, he will be forever remembered as the gay guy in the men’s room.

There’s just no fight left in the Republican Party.