A collection of news of the weird dominates this week’s column.

Did you hear the one about the Colorado lady who mailed dog manure to her Congresswoman?

Kathleen Ensz admitted placing dog poop in the mail slot of the office of U.S. House of Representatives member Marilyn Musgrave, a Republican.

Ensz is a Democrat. She said she was upset over the fact that Musgrave’s campaign was mailing her political literature. So, in retaliation, she stuffed one of the Musgrave’s campaign flyers in an envelope, mixed in some doggie poop and dropped it off at the Congresswoman’s office in Greeley, Colorado.

Gee, I wonder if Ed McMahon gets that kind of hate mail when someone doesn’t win a million dollars?

Ensz, vice chairwoman of a state Senate district committee for her county’s Democratic Party, faces a misdemeanor charge of &uot;use of a noxious substance.&uot; Her attorneys are arguing that Ensz’s actions could be considered freedom of speech, thus protecting her from prosecution due to the United States Constitution.

When did mailing dog poop to an elected official fall under the category of freedom of speech? I’m a history buff, but I do not recall during my high school or college studies any references made to Thomas Jefferson sending dog poop to the King of England.

The dog in question is expected to make a statement on the carpet of his owner, just as soon as she leaves the house.

This gives a whole new meaning to freedom of speech. Perhaps the next presidential debate will resemble the campfire scene from “Blazing Saddles.” That should be appropriate in the case of these presidential hopefuls from both major parties since we all know they are full of hot air….or hot gas in this particular case.

Forgive me, I’ve got to leave this column for a few minutes; I need to excuse myself to the men’s room, I feel the need for a press release.

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In a true sign that the everything is bass-ackwards, the Gates County Public School system, ranked as one of the best in eastern North Carolina, asks for a nominal $58,000 budget increase and is denied while Hertford County Public Schools, the sorry excuse that they are by being on Judge Manning’s 17 lowest performing districts in the entire state, gains a $300,000 increase in local funds.

Did you know that Hertford County Schools receives over $4 million (that’s $4,000,000 for those of you who like to see all the zeros in place) in local taxpayer’s dollars. That’s roughly 18 percent of the county’s total $22.9 million budget for 2007-08.

Let’s keep our fingers crossed that the extra 300 grand will at least take us up to the 18th lowest performing school district statewide.

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Have you purchased your new I-Phone? I did. As a matter of fact, I’m writing this column on the new gadget and the newspaper you are holding in your hands right now was printed using the new I-Press feature on the I-Phone.

To date, my new I-Phone has cut my grass, went grocery shopping for my wife and sprouted wheels and carried my daughter to work.

This thing is amazing!!! But I have as of yet to figure out how to place a phone call on the dad-gum thing!!

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Did you hear about the political official who was livid over wording included in the Immigration Reform Bill that would require legal aliens to accept English as the official language of the United States. Prior to being granted permanent citizenship (after an 11-year probationary waiting period), these aliens are required to learn English.

I think it makes perfect sense. We speak and write in English. If you want to join us, that’s fine, but you’ve got to accept some basic principals of being an American citizen.

To the left-wing nut job who was upset that we would force English down the throats of our new citizens, this one’s for you…….America has roads leading of our great nation as well as commercial jets and ships; pick your mode of travel and get the hell out!!!

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And finally, in the weirdest news item, police in Rapid City, South Dakota stopped a car at about 1 a.m. on June 5 and found the female-looking driver to be intoxicated and, at 18, too young to drink. They also found that the passenger was City Alderman Tom Johnson, who called the driver his &uot;helper&uot; at his middle-of-the-night task of personally putting up yard signs for his campaign for mayor.

According to the Rapid City Journal, Johnson continually referred to the driver as a woman, but police later learned that the driver was a man dressed as a woman, which Johnson claimed he was shocked to find out.

Pardon the pun, but boys will be boys….pretending to be girls.