Speed of dark?

Published 12:00 am Thursday, December 8, 2005

I’m in an inquisitive mood today, so here are some things to ponder.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Why take life seriously? Nobody gets out alive anyway.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Isn’t life sexually transmitted?

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Some people are like Slinkies; not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals and dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Before the invention of drawing boards, what did they go back to?

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

Can you cry under water?

If you ask for help looking for the self-help section at a bookstore, wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

What was the ailment a cured ham was suffering from?

Why is it that people say they &uot;slept like a baby&uot; when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

The true measure of one minute solely depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.

Where are Preparations A through G?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

What is the speed of dark?