Archived Story

We’ll need this for the autopsy

Published 8:19am Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Sooner or later – sooner for us old folks – a surgeon’s scalpel is destined to enter our bodies.

Personally speaking, I’ve been able to avoid the operating room. Some doctor, I don’t remember whom, snipped out my tonsils way back when. I don’t remember a lot about that…other than all the ice cream I ate following the procedure. I do remember thinking – hey, if there’s ice cream involved, a doctor can snip anything he wants….well, almost anything.

I’ve had family members and close friends “go under the knife.” I’ve been around them after the surgery and it, by all accounts, is a necessary evil, but I’ll do what I can to avoid those types of medical procedures.

I received an email a while back from a friend, one entitled: “Things you may not want to hear during surgery.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair….good thing I didn’t; I may have ruptured something that required surgery.

Hope you enjoy these as much as I did:

1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

2. Somebody call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.

3. ‘Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.’

4. Sparky…comeback with that! Bad dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

6. Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.

7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?

9. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

10. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.

11. What’s this doing here?

12. I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.

13. That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

14. I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?

17. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

18. Next, we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.

19. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

20. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

21. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

22. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.

23. What do you mean ‘You want a divorce’!

24. She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

25. FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!

And lastly, #26 – ‘And next week, we’ll be learning how to stitch up a patient…’

Cal Bryant is Editor of the Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be reached at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.

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