Archived Story

21 again….with 39 years of experience

Published 8:39am Tuesday, July 23, 2013

I don’t need a calendar….the signs are everywhere.

When you drag your tired butt out of bed each morning and hurt in places that you didn’t know existed, then you know you’re getting old. Mine ached last Friday morning (July 19) after spending late Thursday afternoon and early evening mowing the yard and breaking out the weed-eater. The ensuing hot shower was better than a hot slice of apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top.

It’s been a month since my personal life calendar turned to a new page….that of being age 60. That day slipped by basically unnoticed to many since it was the same day my daughter, Danielle, was married.

Since that time I’ve began to notice other tell-tale signs of aging. The one I encounter often is when speaking with or interviewing a young person for an article I’m working on. When I ask the person about their parents, I’ll be told that I may know the grandparents better than the parents. Ouch!

I’m so old that all of my nieces and nephews are married, and all but one have children.

In all honesty, I’ve reached the age where one of the throw pillows on my bed is a hot water bottle.

I realize that a stamp today costs more than admission to the movies than when I was growing up.

If I were not married, I could date someone one-third my age and not break any laws.

Other signs of turning 60 are:

You sing along with the elevator music.

All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

“Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

You’re good at opening childproof caps – with a hammer.

You still have a photographic memory, but it no longer offers same day service.

The way I see this whole thing is that I’m not really 60; I’m 21 with 39 years of experience.

In the age of political correctness, I’m not old…I’m chronologically challenged!

Now, totally in denial, I believe I’m too young to be this old! Honestly, I’m young at heart, just slightly older in other places.

Another good thing about being 60 is that I don’t have a need to do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up real fast.

Here’s another aging thought to ponder…inside every older person is a young person wondering what the heck happened. So my advice to the younger readers out there is in order to stay young, find an age you really like and stick with it.

At my age, it’s hard to find games to play. I think someone ought to invent some type of entertainment for us pre-senior citizens. How ‘bout Sag, You’re It; 20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear; Kick the Bucket; Red Rover, Red Rover, the Doctor Says Bend Over; Simon Says Something Incoherent; Spin the Bottle of Mylanta; Musical Recliners; or Hide and Go Pee.

But with age, comes wisdom. Here’s one important thing I’ll leave you with. Did you know there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research? This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky appendages and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be contacted at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.

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