Because I’m a man…..Published 10:29am Tuesday, February 26, 2013
To us men folk it’s called “taking one for the team.”
As Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications, I am charged to proofread all copy. That means I’m the one who is first, other than the writer, to lay eyes on Amanda VanDerBroek’s “girly” columns.
Twice in the past month I’ve “took one for the team” by scanning words penned about the fairer sex. First, I sat through a piece on “Pride and Prejudice” – Amanda’s favorite book, one written 200 years ago (you would think the pages would be all worn and tattered by now). I never cracked open that book, basically because it’s a 19th century love story set in England…..borrrrring!
Last week was her tribute to Women’s History Month. While I’m happy that all women have finally achieved equality, I sorely needed to let my brain absorb something manly.
Thank goodness for Bobby “Keys” Eure. My hero came to the rescue by submitting the following information….a healthy dose of testosterone just in the nick of time. It’s entitled, “Because I’m a Man.” Read on!
Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind as a form of holy communion.
Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like steaks, beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like tofu or tampons. For all I know these are the same thing.
Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it …though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always either food, cars, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t ask.
Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t, and if you are feeling amorous afterwards then I will certainly at least remember the name of the flick and recommend it to others.
Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, either way looks fine to me. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a man, and this is after all the year 2013, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest…. like hosing down the patio and wandering around in the garden with a beer, or wondering what to do next.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men. One final thing to share to our ladies: never expect your man to remember who phoned or what the message was!
Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org or 252-332-7207.