Archived Story

Livestock makes for poor wedding gift

Published 10:19am Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Sometimes you find yourself on the receiving end of something so hilarious that it’s hard not to share.

Such was the case last week when my buddy, Bobby “Keys” Eure, fired an email to my inbox.

The subject was “Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners.” Being a bit red around the neck myself, I had to pass it along. Hope you enjoy the following as much as I did:

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

Dining Out Etiquette

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

 

Entertaining in your home

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

 

Personal Hygiene

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

 

Dating Tips

Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 pm; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it becomes the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.”

 

Weddings

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

For the groom, you should at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

 

Driving Etiquette

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

 

And, finally, do you know why law enforcement officers have such a tough time solving a redneck murder? (1) All DNA is the same; and (2) There are no dental records.

Thanks for the laugh, Bobby

 

Cal Bryant is Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. He can be contacted at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.

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